Have you ever been called a bitch? Cold bitch, nasty bitch, stupid bitch, dumb bitch, fucking bitch, lazy bitch, evil bitch, clueless bitch...etc? Was it being yelled at you? Maybe complete with a shiny example of just why you were being called it? Probably. And you are so welcome! Wait, that's a bad thing? Who the fuck told you that load of crap?
(Sounds of thunderous applause deafens the air, whistles as she steps to the microphone. Overwhelmed, she stands silently, tears running down her cheeks, looking around her in complete disbelief. Finally, composing herself, her lips part as the roar settles down, every eye in the room locked on her as they wait for her words to wash over them.)
I....I can't believe it! You dream of this moment and when it finally happens, you just aren't prepared for just how amazing it actually is. Okay.... Well, there are just so many people I need to thank and if I forget to mention you, please know that it isn't because I think you are insignificant, it's because I know it.
As a child, you are told that if you have a dream, you should do all that you can to achieve it. And you work hard, never settling for second best, always pushing yourself further and further and further in hopes of becoming not just best you can, but the pinnacle, the physical embodiment of your dream. Today, my dream has been recognized and I take my place in history.
This award for the Biggest Fucking Bitch On The Plant signifies that dedication, perseverance and absolute intolerance for bullshit from those around you are the founding principles making this possible. Reducing those that wish to see you fail in life into microscopic particles of flecks of dried fecal matter being forcefully expelled from the swollen anus of the rotted corpse of jealousy. Refusing to allow yourself to willingly accept the fucking mind-numbingly, incoherent babble of lying from anyone possessing the gull to assume that you will never be able to discover the truth of their deceit. Disregarding the social insistence that bending over, spreading your cheeks and bracing yourself is the only accepted behavior for keeping status quo. This detachment is not just a sign of a bitch, it is a way of life.
Cold, unfeeling, sarcastic? Yup. Judgmental? Indeed. Crass, flippant, rude? Um, duh. Term of endearment, darling. And proof that there are those that are in command of required cranial activity to understand what we are as an added bonus. Maybe there is flea fart of chance that you will be worthy of consideration in the grand scheme of life after all! You know just who I'm talking about, sweetie because you are the one getting indignant and upset. It's okay...shhhh....Don't speak. Just sit there inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. Repeat.
To those of you hiding your inner bitch: shame on you! Shame on you, you pussies! Say it loud and proud, "We're here! Fuck you, dear! Get used to it!" Yell it with me! "WE'RE HERE! FUCK YOU, DEAR! GET USED TO IT!" On your feet right now, middle fingers up high and yell it out. "WE'RE HERE! FUCK YOU, DEAR! GET USED TO IT!" I swear to Jeebus, I'm going to come off this stage and mother fucking throat punch you if you don't get the hell up. No, not you...you right there. Uh huh. Get up you, lazy bastard. Every one shut up for a minute! Say it by yourself since you can't be bothered to support your fellow bitches. That's right. Good job. Next time you pull some shit like that I'm gonna come off this stage and beat you like you stole something from me. Okay, sit back down...Sit back down, everybody....
Now, some people are going to say that a bitch is a female. And as you are more than aware, this isn't true. Some of the baddest bitches I know are male. So when you leave tonight and get your swag bag, you'll see that the shirt is unisex. We don't discriminate. What was I about to say...? I can't remember...Fuck it. If it's important, I'll remember later.
Anyway, before I wrap this up, I just want to take a moment to thank some of my most personal bitches who know who they are and aren't attention whores who need to be singled out. I'll make sure I update my Facebook status so you can take your fifteen minutes of fame too. Just let me get home first and jump on the computer, I don't feel like doing it from my phone. Um....anything else..? I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something...
Oh, shit! That's right! I can't believe I almost forgot to mention it. I want to give a huge, HUGE thank you to Ludicis and Nicki Minaj for performing my personal anthem, "My Chick Bad." That song, I can't even tell you how proud I feel. Thank you guys! Oh, and Luda, my mother and I can NOT help how much your voice gets us hot. Seriously, your part on Law & Order: SVU? Good God! And there are lots of artists that I love and worship, but ultimately, Weird Al Yankovic, you will always remain my first and foremost favorite. You're not going to believe this, but I manged to get a pair of your boxers from when you sang "Just Wanna Be Your Lover" from your Poodle Hat Tour. Let me know if you want me to tell you the story about that one day...I think...yeah, I think that's pretty much gonna wrap that part of this up.
In closing, I want to say to those of you that weren't totally clear on the concept, bitch is not an insult. There's always going to be those feministy cry babies that will get all whiny and blah, blah, blah about a bitch is a dog and crap. Ignore them. I think they are on the rag or something. They might want to plug in a new tampon. Someone lit the fuse on the ones they're wearing, so that makes them a bit testy. And yes, as a woman, I'm allowed to say that crap, so don't rush up at me wanting to check if I'm a real woman or start those goddamn rumors that I'm really a man. As if a man could handle being inside of this mind! I know, right?
Don't forget to yell out that little slogan, it does wonders. Well, thank you all for coming out tonight and drive safe. Goodnight!
(She walks off the stage, face flushed with happiness as she gets swarmed by well wishers and picture takers, laughing and getting everyone in a huge group so she can get pictures to throw up on her blog. Finally, after most of the people get a few shots, she walks over and checks some of them out, telling people which ones caught her best side and which ones made her look kind of ugly or blurry. A few people try to come up as she's trying to get out wanting to ask her questions or chat but she tells them she really has to go because there's some drinking she needs to get to and she really doesn't feel like getting to the after party late. She hears someone call her an ungrateful cunt and she turns around to sock them in the face, resulting in a massive fist fight that ends with charges being filed. Man, what a fucking bitch!)
