Have A Happy Fucking Period

Let's face it. That special time of the month comes and I can't wait to run out and share the good news with my friends. We go to our favorite club filled with beautiful people and regale each other with trivial facts about current medications we're taking. And then comes the time that we inform them that the tampon we're wearing is so comfortable, we don't even know we're wearing it! We smile happily and do all kinds of cool things as we're bleeding like murder victims. Cartwheels, lounging on a white sofa, dancing with sheer fabric to music that normally would be reserved for doctor's office waiting rooms, all these things are now possible because our uteruses are shedding their lining. And nothing makes me feel more special at that time then another woman telling me to have a happy period.

What? This doesn't happen to you? Well, then I should probably say, "who the fuck has a happy period??" When did advertising companies lose their minds and decide that the only way to market shit we need is to make us seem like sweet, dancing, perfectly made up dolls who show absolutely NO signs of bloating? Want to know what would be a real commercial? Show a woman doubled over with cramps, stomach bloated to look like the beginning of the second trimester of her period with a candy bar clenched in her hand. Then, ask her how she feels about her current product used to sop up the flow of the tidal wave currently flowing from her. Show a person in a dog training outfit, completely protected with padding approaching her to ask her if she feels like going to the club or wearing white pants. If she knocks their ass across the room, THEN I'll believe it's a commercial meant for me. If she doesn't make a mess on the floor, I might be interested in what she's got plugging her up.

I can truly say that I've never shared details of my birth control with my friends to the degree these very odd commercials keep taking it. Does anyone in your group of friends spontaneously start rattling off the side effects of their current birth control pill? If so, take a 2x4 to their head to knock some fucking sense into them. I'd love to see what their focus groups are like, a bunch of people sitting around smoking crack and realizing that they need to know every possible side effect their current medication has but only if it comes to them from a totally unbelievable source. Just how much did those morons get paid? And can I please see footage of the advertising pitch meeting? Have sales actually improved with these shitty commercials? Or did sales go up because women have no other choice than to find something to absorb our monthly reminder that God has no sense of humor?

And this rant is not only meant for birth control and period product commercials. At least three times a day you will be hit with a commercial featuring a medication that you don't need showing people who don't seem like they are sick doing things that have not one fucking thing to do with the product mentioned. And my favorite part? The side effects song! Listen to the list of shit that will happen if you dare try to take care of a minor problem with their rocking meds. The shit that could happen ends up WAY worse then the original ailment that made you pop the pill in the first place! I can't help but giggle at the anti-anxiety meds because the shit they can cause is sooo nasty, I'd be too anxious to take the damn stuff in the first place! When will advertisers finally figure out that we're not fooled by smiling faces and quickly rambled side effects given a the speed of light in the hopes that we won't realize that the medication is going to cause more problems than what we have? Or that showing images of dancing people and elderly people suddenly going for walks in a park doesn't disguise the fact that we have absolutely no idea what the damn medication is for? Those ambiguous commercials are my absolute favorite. I try to figure out what the product treats by the litany of side effects they announce. I've never been able to do it without a Google search.

And my all time favorite type of commercial? The ones for herpes or any number of sexually transmitted diseases! They show sexy people in intimate embraces as the voice over informs you that one of those people has something that if you really knew they had, you'd back the fuck up. Feeling hot yet? Grab the nearest stranger and start snuggling! Who cares that they're a Petri dish of diseases? They're taking medication that will make it seem like a walk in the park! Sure their hair will probably fall out and the anal leakage is only minor and the debilitating stomach cramps may slow down your race to the bedroom, but come on, they look totally healthy! And hey! That wierd guy in your office with the creepy weird smile is probably dealing with a stiffy that pounding you in the break room like a bad porno! Thanks male sexual enhancement medication! Now I can live in awe of the neighbor next door who's headboard continues to pound a constant beat against my bedroom wall! Nothing says sexy than a man with pills to make him hard! I know that if I see an ambulance coming to their house after four hours, he may still be experiencing an erection that thinking of a rotting dead pig carcass still couldn't deflate. Where are those pills and how can I get my hands on them?

Maybe, instead of trying to make me reach for the nearest miracle pill by spending millions confusing me as to why the fuck I would want the product in the first place, they could find a way to make medication cheaper so that the people who actually need their shit could afford it. Stop trying to make medication seem like it's the cure for cancer or any other ailment that would prevent you from living a life that you didn't even want in the first place. Medication is just that, medication. It's not what women discuss during girl's night out. It's not what makes me want to run across a field with a sheer curtain flowing behind me or want to cozy up to my husband despite a yeast infection. Put medication back in it's place, our medicine cabinet, not our tv's! And as for my all-time most hated commercial, YOU have a fucking happy period! I have fucking cramps!