Hey gang, sorry I didn't post yesterday, but with my lovely hormones raging, it wouldn't have been a very nice post. During that special time in my life, the voices in my head say some truly bizarre things and most are not fit for sharing. Here's today's post.
Like most American's, I look forward to Super Bowl Sunday. For all my non-American friends, this is a day reserved for the ultimate game of professional football, (not soccer, football. Deal with it.) and has a very odd tradition of being THE day to watch commercials. Yes, we have made commercial watching a sport! In between plays on the field, millions glue themselves to the television, not to keep track of a battle of which team owns the field, but to find out what will become the best commercial of the Super Bowl. For years, if you wanted to see the funny, innovative, unusual, or just plain fucking expensive commercials, you had to sit through a game that unless you gave a flying shit about either team, your life would be just as wonderful without it. Then came the invention of the internet! No longer do I have to pretend that I give a flea's fart about the game and I can enjoy the commercials anytime I want online.
I was busy last Sunday, so I totally forgot about the game and I was surprised to see that most of the people in the Wal-Mart with Pat and I seemed not to give a damn either, probably because our home team didn't make it this year. We still throw support to the Steelers since they're from our state, but honestly, we'd rather be shopping than watching. Realizing that I had missed the commercials, I decided today to look them up to see all the cool stuff I missed. So far, I've gotten through the first quarter commercials and part of the second. At best, I gave a chuckle at the wife that threw a can of Pepsi upside a chick's head when her husband, who was checking the chick out, ducked and she missed. Out of 21 commercials, NONE were anything worth seeing!
Why are companies relying on fucking loser dipshits that probably live in their parent's basement, playing fantasy games while jerking off to Queen Amidala posters on their wall for their advertising focus groups? Who the fuck thinks that these dumbass commercials featuring smiling morons and computer generated dragons are going to make us suddenly say "Yes the product is grossly expensive and it tastes like piss water, but damn it, I gotta have it because that commercial made me realize that I need to purchase it right now?" These were the most boring, unoriginal, corny, lame, retarded commercials I've seen in a while. What happened to the days of coming up with a funny, catchy slogan or a commercial that's so awesome that you have to send it to your friend? Even annoying commercials like the old Budwiser "Wuzzup" had a catchphrase that lived well past the point of being funny! I know that traditionally the commercials shown during the game are supposed to be targeting a certain audience, males 18-49, but when are they going to realize that once the game is over, they have to try to use those things again to sell to the rest of us?
Quizzno's used to have a talking…I have no idea what that thing was, poop? It was, and always will be, one of the worst fucking things I've ever had the misfortune of fast forwarding through. I have never in my life wanted to eat at that place and showing talking poop or a fucked up squirrel is going to change my mind. If the food tastes good, I'll never know because I can't shake the image of that nasty fucking thing making me go, "why the fuck did they just show me that?" The latest trend in car commercials is to do shit that has NOTHING to do with what you'd ever use the car for, like watching your child run toward your car while he's being chased by a group of bullies and smiling sweetly as he dives into the trunk and quickly buckles his seatbelt and makes faces at the bullies. (I so would have loved for that mom to tell him to get out and put his backpack in the house while the kids were standing there to see his oh shit face!) They also like to have annoying little shits with hair that needs to be cut talking like they have a hard life of dealing with parents who seem to have never slapped the ever loving crap out of him for opening his smartass mouth. (You don't like what your parents are singing? Get the fuck out and walk, you little bastards!) Or they show the cars driving down the streets not doing anything special at all with the words "Do not attempt. Professional driver on a closed course." This is soooo helpful! I was going to take my car out on a city street to and drive with both hands on the wheel! Thank goodness that you told me not to try THAT! Much safer to talk on my phone while flipping off the cab that just cut in front of me as I circle the building for the eighth time looking for a parking space!
The top commercial of Super Bowl XLV was so damn stupid, I thought I had watched the wrong one! There was absolutely no way that a damn kid wearing a Darth Vader costume and trying to "use the force" on things, learning that he can't because IT'S NOT FUCKING REAL, and standing in front of his father's new car holding out his hands to use his "powers" on it as Mom and Dad stand in the kitchen watching their precious DNA disappointment prove that there is no real use for a college fund. Finally, in an attempt to continue to let this spoiled, future bully target believe what so many basement dwelling manchildren pray for every night, he hits the remote start making the car come to life. I have children, small children and I can assure you, not one has ever believed that they had a magical power to start a car. The second that the car would have started, they would have looked around to see where we were because they know how a remote start works. Why? Because they have fucking brain cells. Instead of buying that kid an expensive way to embarrass them in front of company when he races into a room declaring that he their father, buy the kid a damn book. Or teach him how to throw a ball. Teach him anything that may make up for the fact that you didn't realize that kids get their asses kicked for doing far less dorky things. Most importantly, DON'T FUCKING TRICK ME INTO THINKING THAT THIS IS A FUNNY OR WORTHWHILE COMMERCIAL THAT I NEED TO SEE TO IN ORDER TO DECIDE TO BUY YOUR OVEREXPENSIVE PIECE OF SHIT!
By the time I got to that little gem and saw that it was the "best" commercial of the game, I stopped looking at the rest. What would be the point when clearly all they are showing is shit? I'm not going to waste my time watching a man suck Dorito flavor off a co-worker's fingers or snatch another's pants off and sniff them. (That one was so bizarre that I waited to see if he'd start sucking on the pants before deciding to just get on his knees and suck the guy off!) Advertisers have given up trying to appeal to intellect or actual humor. No more will we see clever commercials like my personal favorite, the Citibank identity theft ones with the voiceovers. (Whatever! It lifts and separates!) No more will we smile as we hear a unique catchphrase like "time to make the doughnuts" or "where's the beef". Companies have now given control of our televisions to 13 year old boys who are fascinated with boobs and farts. Watching these disasters, I couldn't help but hear their target group laughing in my head. Bevis and Butthead, this is your year, here's the remote. I'm going to read a fucking book instead.
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