Hey You Damn Kids, Get Off My Fucking Lawn

Neighborhood children turn us into cranky old people. This is my honest opinion. Our children definitely make us into our parents, but those fucking kids that no matter what they do you can't hit them, make you in to that freak who stand in your window at night with a BB gun and night vision goggles! Fucking brats need to be taught a lesson!

When we first moved into our home my husband (a man who never had to live without the modern convenience of a clothes dryer) decided that he wanted to hang laundry outside to get that "fresh air" scent. Later on that evening, I looked out the back window and saw a group of the adorable little scamps playing football in the backyard. I smiled and then screamed. One precious fucker was using my bra as a slingshot! I yelled out the window for him to drop it and they took off like roaches do when you turn on a light. I raced out back and to my horror, my loving husband had put our underwear on display and several items of mine were on the ground. Thank God he didn't put out my period panties! (And ladies, you know damn well that we all have a set of those!)

One lovely winter night my husband and I were snuggled up on the couch watching tv when something hit our door. It sounded like a fucking brick! We jumped up and he ran outside in the freezing snow with just an undershirt and lounge pants on. He nabbed two little cherubs racing away from the scene. He convinced them that he was calling the police because they had actually threw a huge chunk of ice at our glass storm door. One kid held firm to the fact that he didn't do it. The other couldn't stop crying and admitted that the other one did it. Satisfied that he had scared the ever living shit out of them, he let them go. But we spent the rest of the night in the window with the lights off to make sure the little fuckers didn't try it again!

During the summer, our driveway and front steps become the hang out for loser teenage assholes. Nothing sounds better to me than the noise of untalented boys and girls singing their hearts out to crappy music! Hell, they're so talented, they should try out for American Idol! I'd pay top dollar for that blooper reel!! The girls flirt and the boys try to impress them with stupid stunts like jumping chairs and wrestling. Sometimes I would study these behaviors from behind my blinds like a scientist studying the mating behaviors of future Teen Mom subjects. To me, it was annoying but tolerable. To my husband, it made him become "that guy". In a t-shirt and boxers with slippers pumping his fist in the air, it's not summer until you hear him yell, "hey you kids, get off my lawn and stay away from my car"! Yes, I am now married to Mr. Wilson from the Dennis The Menace cartoons!

Drive down the street and these pests seem to multiply. I know just how many kids live in the houses on our streets, but for some reason, we end up with five times that amount of delinquents on our damn property! One lovely little hooker-in-training was switching her ass in the middle of the street with what I can only assume was her ugly friend kept around to make her look good. She was wearing jeans so tight that she looked like an ice cream cone in danger of melting everywhere. I was surprised she was able to stay upright! Switching her gigantic hindquarters, she rolled her eyes as I honked for her to move her satellite out of the streets orbit. She sucked her teeth, probably to remove the last of the cud she had been saving for a snack from in between her hiding spots in her jowls, rolled her eyes and said, "Hit me and I'll sue!" I drove around her, lucky that there was a sliver of street that she didn't cover with her Hindenburg girth, and rolled down my window. She glared at me with a look that confirmed that she was probably dealing with an IQ a couple of points lower than her pants size. I smiled sweetly and said, "Not if I hit you hard enough, my dear!" I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I meant by that, but I didn't have an hour to explain it to her, so I just drove off.

Sometimes these future Maury DNA results guests will even be bold enough to put their hands on my children. One such eye rolling, gum cracking, hand flashing, dumbass actually hit my oldest child. Me being the sweet, loveable understanding woman that I am raced to the bus stop the next day totally prepared to drag her off the bus by her weave and beat common sense into her. When I told her to have her mother come to the stop to talk, she grinned and told her friend that I was going to get my ass kicked when she got there. Pumped up with enough testosterone to make me feel like adjusting my dick in my shorts, I began to get excited that I was going to have a release for my anger. Mom came up and the daughter smugly told her what happened. Her mom did something that made my jaw drop. She flipped the fuck out, but not on me, on her daughter! Yes folks, some neighbors actually discipline their children! She made her apologize and told her to get in the car because when they got home she was going to make sure that she indeed got the chance to kick some ass, her daughter's! I smile every single time I see her. She's a hero to me.

Some kids don't fear the wrath of a parent scolding them. One such pimple factory shoved my daughter and when I told him to keep his hands off of her, he stepped to me and asked "what you going to do about it?" I stepped closer and informed him, "I have no problem going back to jail for beating the hell out a child." His eyes widened and I think he took in my appearance, sleepless due to dealing with a newborn baby and pumped full of post-partum hormonal fury and decided that there might be strong validity to my statement. Needless to say, he hasn't graced our steps ever again.

So what's the moral of today's message? Neighborhood kids are everywhere. You can spray pesticides everywhere and they just come back. In our neighborhood, they come out like ants whenever there's a BBQ near. We need to find a way to make it legal to taser these fucking brats and force them to get off the streets and into libraries. Instead of letting them skate through life learning just enough to read their latest indictment that their public defender hands them, force these hormonal, pus pockets to take their heads out of their lazy behinds and learn something. These mental patients are driving down our country's educational system and causing our government to waste precious dollars to take care of their little "mistakes" that will someday waddle onto our yards to pick up where Mommy and Daddy left off! I think if we can get hunting licenses to help thin the deer population, we should have the same opportunity to take care of those little assholes that defy evolution! Until then, stand guard and keep camped out at the front window. You never know when these fucking rodents are going to attack! Damn kids!