My Foot Tastes So Delicious!

Have you ever been in a situation where you couldn't get your foot further in your mouth? Where every word you say crams it in up to your ankle? Or been near someone committing that dreaded sin of saying the WORST thing possible at the WORST possible time? We've all been there.
I've actually been there several times. So many, in fact, that I think I should consider starting a cookbook entitled, "Sole Cooking: The Tastiest Heels You'll Ever Love!" 

 There was the time when I met one of my husband's co-workers at a holiday party. He had been so sweet and proceeded to tell me all about his co-workers and filled me in on what topics I should avoid. Now, an intelligent person would have paid close attention and taken care to remember what they were told. I, being a fucking moron, grew quickly bored and stopped listening after about the first sentence. So, it was no surprise to anyone that I walked over to a sweet lady that he introduced me to and sat next to her. She seemed kind of shy and quiet, but really sweet. I looked over and said, "You look so hot! You should be out there on the floor with your husband." I looked around and then asked, "Is your date here?" She smiled sweetly and informed me that her husband had passed away the month prior. Pat's face was completely white and pretty much confirmed with just a look that he had JUST told me not to bring that up. She was honestly super nice about it. All I could do was say, "Do you like my shoes? They taste awesome!"

Sometimes you're able to get out of a situation before you have to begin chewing on the heel. I was lucky this past summer during cheerleading camp. I, being a coach, was absolutely tired of dealing with one particularly irritating kid. This kid couldn't cheer, couldn't jump, never had a clue what she was doing, and loved to complain. She also loved to critique others. In short, she was a huge fucking pain in my ass. One lovely summer day, a hive of bees decided to attack the area where we were cheering. A coach and one child got stung. Of course, it HAD to be my lovely drama queen. She proceeded to scream as if the bee had held a knife to her throat while another punched her repeatedly in the gut. After finally getting her to calm down and tell me what happened, I went on a hunt for bee sting medicine. I asked one of the football coaches and he said he would look. As he was looking, he asked what was going on over there because they could hear the screaming an ENTIRE football field away. I told him that a drama queen was working on her Oscar. Then I said that if I was lucky, she'd decide to quit because she was the biggest pain in my ass. I also said that I was sure she'd find a way to miss a week of practice over this little sting and not that it mattered because she was the WORST cheerleader I had ever seen. Another man had been standing off to our right, watching the players. He looked over and said, "My daughter is one of the people who got stung. Are you talking about her?" My heart stopped and my foot began vibrating that lovely tune of, "Open wide, I'm coming inside!" I smiled sweetly and said, "Well, we had three people get stung, which one is your daughter?" He confirmed that I was talking about his precious little ray of sunshine. I laughed and waved him off. "No, I wasn't talking about her! I was talking about the other girl! Your daughter is amazing!" The football coach was looking into his bag, desperately trying not to laugh as he shook his head no indicating that they didn't have the bee sting medication. I smiled and waved to them both and went back to practice, praying that he bought it. He did and told his little flower to rest her sore leg; practice might be too taxing on her fragile body.

One of the most delicious shoe meals came as a result of me not saying one word. Pat and I were at the bank when a woman decided to have a conversation with the teller. We were waiting in the slowest moving line possible, so we were treated to her entire dramatic story. She continued to talk about the most bizarre things possible, like walking to the bank every day to help her butt get tighter so that it wouldn't jiggle so much as she moved, how she hated the way people smelled, but the moment that caused me sheer agony was when she informed her teller that her boyfriend smacked her upside the head. With the same sweet tempo she had been speaking with, she suddenly said, "But I don't want to talk about that!" Now, I'm sure you're thinking, why the hell is this important? This conversation has nothing to do with you, and it sounds horrible. You are correct. So WHY was it that I was standing mere feet away, dying from silent laughter? I tried everything in the world to not listen to this woman's crazy rant, but with each sentence she made it harder for me to hold it in. Have you ever had to hold in a laugh and just by doing that, feel that little giggle turn into a fit of laughter that has tears running down your cheeks? That's what was happening to me. The first few things she said were bad enough to cause me to giggle, but being in a deathly silent bank, it would be obvious that I was laughing at her. The teller was looking at me and doing her best not to laugh either, but I'm not sure if it was because of the story, or me holding in a laugh that threatened to bring me to my knees. The woman finished her transaction and I walked forward with Pat to the teller. She took one look at my tear streaked face and tightly pursed lips and shook her head laughing. All she could say was, "You're going to hell." I couldn't contain it one second longer, and as I collapsed in giggles, I could clearly hear every other person in that back roaring in laughter too!

That little faux pas pales in comparison of my final tale. It wasn't even my slip up. It was Pat's. We were dating and both worked in a department store. I was being trained for the customer service counter and it was his day off. He came up to visit me and moved to the side as a lady came up to make a purchase. She was very beautiful and elegantly dressed. She was also completely bald. I have no idea if it was due to a medical ailment or just her choice, but she was bald. That was not a big deal to me; I've seen lots of bald people, men and women. I tried to figure out where to begin on the transaction when Pat decided to help me out. His eyes were locked on the woman's scalp and when I asked how I should begin, he replied, "Scan her head." My eyes widened as did the woman's, the employee training me, the security guard standing off to the side and Pat's. His mouth dropped open in horror and he said almost apologetically, "No! I mean scan her BALD head!" My mouth dropped open and my trainer immediately ran behind a partition and fell to her knees in laughter, as the security guard completely walked away, not even bothering to disguise his giggling. Pat looked like he was going to throw up and he held up his hands as he yelled, "I mean scan her bill head!" He then immediately ran away, leaving me face to face with a woman who was CLEARLY pissed. I was mortified and all I could do was say, "I'm so sorry about that!" I ran her up as quickly as possible and ran over to him, ready to punch his lights out for leaving me standing there with her, apologizing for him. 

So, I truly think that when it comes to putting my foot in my mouth, I'm pretty good at it! I'm even so good, I can put other's feet in my mouth without even trying! This brings me to my first challenge. I want to know about your very worst, "oh shit" moment. Leave a comment or email it to me and I'll include it in a future post. I'd hate to be the only one nibbling sneaker, and if I know my people like I know my people, you've got some great recipes to share! That's all for now, get back to work!