(Yesterday I was floored by a migraine, so you're going to have to deal with one less day of Kissa! Enjoy!)
Watching the news has become an attack on common sense. After listening to the anchors thrill me with two minute reports on fires, deaths, governmental unrest, and the all important weather peep show, I am shown an image that I truly hope I never have to see again, granny panties with foam. I'm sure you're probably wondering what horrifying fate did the wearer suffer for it to have made onto my screen during the late night news. I was on pins and needles, hardly able to concentrate on the brutal beating of a teenager that was videotaped and posted by the seven little fuckers that did it while people walked all around. (Those little bastards got jail time, so at least there was a bright side to the newscast!) After yet another teaser that was beginning to rival my favorite weather bitch's, they took care of my agonizing suspense and began to report on…Booty Pop.
What the fuck? You mean you are actually going to do a fucking infomercial on a pair of ugly ass panties that have foam in the ass to make you look like you sat on it all day?? Are you fucking kidding me? I have to fucking turn on my news if I want to be pitched moronic products that will make some people's lives better, but that will also end up on a list of "what the fuck" inventions later on when we as a people realize that the ass we have is just fine? This is some bullshit! I waited and watched in the hopes that they would give a hint as to the newsworthiness by telling folks that the foam could turn your skin sage and cause painful blisters. They actually did a close up on a warning label on the package. FINALLY! Give it to me! What could this fucking gag gift do if I'm stupid enough to wear it? It could cause my behind to get more attention than when I'm not wearing it. Are you fucking serious?? The thoughts that ran through my mind included taking that fucking pair of undies and making that news whore swallow them whole.
Yes folks, we as a nation have begun to give gag gifts way too much attention. We now interrupt actual new broadcast to show smiling images of men and women in a gym staring at a pair of black granny panties with bumps in the ass that look NOTHING like an actual ass. While actually doing something to take care of their own asses, they are being forced to play with a product that caters to people who are too lazy to actually do a fucking squat thrust on their own. My favorite part? They continued to interview people who had absolutely no need for these panties. We are talking people who could have probably used a Booty Not device instead. Why not talk to the stick figures that are walking around sitting directly on their spine? Probably because they don't want their faces on television admitting that they wear false asses! Instead of taking it as a sign that perhaps it wouldn't be a great idea to continue with this story, the creative reporter decided to enter a gym and harass people trapped on treadmills and, I swear to you, a man in the middle of lifting weights. I don't know about you, but when I'm doing anything to improve my body the last thing I want to have is a pair of panties dangled over my face. I'm a little disappointed that he didn't toss the weight at her head. Now THAT would have been must see tv!
The final wrap up was 3am infomercial worthy. These sexy panties that will ride up to the top of your rib cage will change the way that your jeans look on your body. Um…maybe it's just me, but when you buy jeans, you buy them to fit your current ass, don't you? I mean if you have the ass of a two by four, your jeans probably won't accommodate the ass the size of a gorilla, right? So does this mean that I have to buy not only fake ass cheeks, but I also have to buy a wardrobe for them? Damn news people! Now my ass is itching to look bloated! No price is too high in the goal to look like a damn cartoon! Here's my credit card, are the operators sitting on their natural asses standing by to take my info??
Why do they do this to the news? Why cheapen it to the type of shit I avoid morning shows for? I can't stand perky people telling me how I can give my cat the most beautiful false nails in lots of fun colors. (It's real, I swear!) I don't want to see the latest styles of the Snuggie, the biggest fucking joke that was taking way too seriously of all time! I take a pass on watching old people trying to figure out how the hell to work an iphone. Why? Because I don't watch news to be entertained by shit that you could buy at the fucking mall! Infomercials aren't fucking news!! If you want news, then report how someone was strangled with a pair of Booty Pop undies after the man figured out that he was pinching a glob of foam all night. THAT would be news! The fact that they have men on camera saying that this product isn't that great because they don't want to touch a fake ass, while true, isn't news! Neither is the assurance that this waste of a product is not just for women, they've come up with a line of the fake dumpers for men too! YES! I was just saying that I love nothing more than starring at the plumber's ass when he bends over and I've noticed that he's not packing as much as he used to. An answer to my prayers? Thanks, Booty Pop!
Why do they do it then? Simple, to get the manufacturer to hand over free samples for them to keep! Duh! It's underwear, they don't return underwear! You call the place up and tell them you're doing a story on it and they fall all over themselves to get you some freebies to make sure that you are able to put their shit all over the camera! Can we say free publicity? You didn't think that anyone truly thought that this was something that the country NEEDED to know about, did you? The news has become a place to pitch shit that the reporters and producers are dying to own. That's it. If we don't like it, we can just change the channel! Fine, I'll do that! Here we go, a story on a product to cover up the anus on my cat coming up before the sports (It's real, I swear). DAMN IT!!! Where's my fucking remote?
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