Think Before You Fucking Speak!

Can I ask you a question? Why on earth do people seem to ask permission to ask you a question? Just by saying that sentence you've already asked the fucking question! Spit it out!!! Stop asking people for permission to irritate the hell out of them! As much as this question annoys the hell out of me, I'm guilty of it at times too. I think everyone has those moments when we do things that would normally drive us up a wall. Here are a few more of the most annoying damn questions and statements that people use all the time:

1. Where's the last place you had it? (Usually a follow up to a hunt for keys or other items that you frantically tear the house apart looking for.)
   
   Proper answer to this is, "Let me think. I do remember them being shoved up your ass the last time I had them, so do me a favor, cram your head up there for me and take a peek!
2.  This is gross….taste this!
   
   I'm sure that someone thinks that they are doing you a favor by offering you the opportunity to share in the disgust, but the proper thing to do is to take your hand and slap the shit out of the one offering it. If that doesn't work, make them eat the entire offending object. This also goes for that lovely, "This stinks, smell this!"
3. Guess who I ran into?
   
   Unless it's my foot, I don't really give a damn who you ran into. The possibilities are endless when it comes to figuring out who on this tiny planet you could have seen. If you want to tell me who you saw, FUCKING TELL ME!! I'm not guessing!
4. Who does the baby look like?
   This question usually comes up immediately after birth. If you have never had the pleasure of looking at a newborn baby, let me help you out. They look like an alien. They are not going to pop out looking like a carbon copy of any human because they just fucking got here! If you want to prove paternity, get a blood test, stop pretending that E.T. looks like his grandfather twice removed!
5. What do you want to eat?
   This is an interesting question. What the person is actually saying is, "What do I want to eat?" The next time this happens, inform them that you are in the mood for monkey scrotums, cooked to perfection and dipped in ketchup.
6. What do you do for a living?
   Punch the person in the face and tell them that you rid the earth of morons who have nothing to talk about so they ask stupid questions.

I'm sure I could go on and on about stupid things people say, but I'd rather hear from you about the stupid things you hate being asked. Let me know what gets your hand itching to deliver a bit of education to the smiling jackasses that utter these jewels every day!